


swallowing my heart

by idals0



Category: CIX (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Exes, Light Angst, M/M, Truth or Drink, based off that cut series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24017839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idals0/pseuds/idals0
Summary: “Lee Byounggon—” Byounggon swears he can see Seunghun’s eyes sparkle. His breath hitches. He’s missed that sparkle, missed the way it makes him feel giddy and whole. Seunghun opens his mouth to speak. “Do you still love me?”(or: Hyunsuk has a video project—Truth or Drink. He knows just who to ask.)
Relationships: Kim Seunghun/Lee Byounggon | BX
Comments: 20
Kudos: 83





	swallowing my heart

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a yongbae exes truth or drink drabble but i veered all the way to the _left_. also i wrote more than half of this before 4am. early morning writing craze is insaneeee
> 
> also big thanks to [jonas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cixquisite/pseuds/cixquisite) for beta-ing my work! thanks for being my 2am crying buddy and more
> 
> mini edit: this is the first time ive written something sort of angsty in a while lol i usually stay away from writing angst bc it hurts me too much

Hyunsuk clicks the phone into place on the tripod, angling it so the entire table is in frame.

“Jinyoung,” he calls out. “Does this angle look good?”

Jinyoung doesn’t even bother looking from where he’s seated in the corner of the small studio. He makes quick tapping motions on his phone. “Looks fine.”

“You didn’t even look.”

“Babe, as long as they’re in the frame together, it’ll be fine.”

Hyunsuk rolls his eyes, then beams at his two hyungs seated at the table. “Ready?”

Seunghun and Byounggon blink up at him. “Where’d you get the alcohol?” Byounggon asks, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms against his chest. “This shit looks expensive.”

Hyunsuk makes a vague waving motion with his hand. “Jinyoung got it for me. I don’t really drink.”

Seunghun’s eyebrows shoot up, impressed at the fact that Jinyoung was able to procure not one bottle of hard liquor for this shoot, but _two_. He sneaks a glance at Byounggon, pretending to eye the bottles on the table and not stare at his ex’s face. He knows that once he looks at Byounggon, it’ll be hard to look away.

“So!” Hyunsuk says, clapping his hands. “Are you both ready for real now?”

“Yeah,” they say together. Hyunsuk beams again.

“Okay, one, two, three…” He presses record and straightens up, reading from an index card. “Please introduce yourselves.”

“I’m Lee Byounggon.”

“And I’m Kim Seunghun.”

Hyunsuk gives them a thumbs up from behind the tripod. Byounggon giggles a little. “Why are you here today?”

“You said you’d treat us to meat if we did this,” Byounggon deadpans, and Hyunsuk resists the urge to cut the video and start over. He lets them keep talking. The more candid, the better.

“We’re doing Truth or Drink,” Seunghun says, looking over at Hyunsuk and grinning. “For your Interpersonal Communications project.”

(Thank god Seunghun is so nice.)

“And what are you?”

“People…?” Seunghun jokes, right as Byounggon says, “We’re exes.” Seunghun purses his lips.

“How long have you been together?” Hyunsuk recites from his index card.

“A long time,” Seunghun says, looking at Byounggon for confirmation. “We dated all throughout college, then a year after that, so… five?”

“Five years, yeah,” Byounggon says. He glances at Seunghun, then up at Hyunsuk. “We lived together for like, two years.”

“Okay,” Hyunsuk says. “Now I’m gonna need you to play rock-paper-scissors. Then whoever loses gets a card from the pile and the other has to answer. Then just keep alternating until you’ve reached seven cards.”

“Okay,” Seunghun says, sticking his hand out. Byounggon loses with a yell, throwing his head back and sliding down his chair. He reaches out for a card on the pile, and reads out, “Do you think I’ll make a good husband?”

“Yeah,” Seunghun says without hesitation. “Of course I do.”

“You wanted to marry me,” Byounggon says, sitting up. He folds his hands in front of him.

“I did, yeah. I wanted to. So much.”

Seunghun looks at him. It’s hard not to. Not when he’s wearing a plain black shirt and a necklace dangles from his neck and he looks so _pretty_. Byounggon clears his throat, jerking his head ever-so-slightly towards the pile of cards.

“Right.” Seunghun leans forward to pluck one. “Do you ever think of what it would be like if we were still together?”

Byounggon bites his lip and breathes out a laugh. “I need a drink for this. Can I take a shot but still answer?” he asks, looking up at Hyunsuk.

“Go ahead, hyung.”

“Nice.” He unscrews the lid off the bottle and pours it into the shot glass. He drinks the shot, tipping his head back, then sets the glass back down on the table with a plunk. He licks his lips and locks eyes with Seunghun, whose gaze flits down to his lips. Byounggon swallows, not missing the way Seunghun’s eyes follow the way his Adam's apple bobs up and down. It kind of hurts. “I do,” he says, looking down at his hands. “I mean, I do think about what it’d be like if we were still together.”

“Yeah?” Seunghun prompts, so gently and quietly that Byounggon’s eyes start to sting. “What would we be doing right now?”

“I don’t know…” Byounggon says. “Maybe I’d be cooking kimchi rice again, and you’d be singing in the shower…”

Seunghun lets out a chuckle, eyes crinkling up when he laughs. “Yeah. That seems likely. Your turn.”

Byounggon drags a card towards him and flips it over. “Do you still miss me?”

Seunghun breathes in, and for a moment Byounggon thinks he’d choose to take a shot. “I do,” Seunghun says, a beat later, and Byounggon just _knows_ he’s telling the truth. “I always miss you.”

Byounggon nods, glancing at Seunghun. _He won’t cry he won’t cry he won’t he won’t he won’t_ _—_ “Me too.”

That makes Seunghun smile for some reason, and Byounggon can’t help but smile back. It feels like a sucker punch to the sternum, but in a good way. He hasn’t seen Seunghun smile at him like this in months.

“Okay,” Seunghun says, a little too loud. He takes a card from the pile. “If you could do it all over again, what would you change?”

“Wow,” Byounggon says, leaning back. He laces his fingers behind his neck. “That’s so hard…”

(He thinks about all the times they fought. He can’t even remember why they were fighting, he can only remember how much it hurt. How he thought he’d lose Seunghun every single time. How he’s lost him now, after five years. But above everything, he remembers how it felt to be loved. Seunghun loves hard, loves deep, and anyone who meets him knows that. He’s an open book but he doesn’t want to share why he’s upset. He cares more about other people than he cares about himself. And Byounggon took it upon him to let Seunghun know he was loved just as much as he loved other people, that someone cared for him just as much as he cared for them. He didn’t—doesn’t—regret a single thing about it.)

“Uh,” Byounggon says, silence stretching on for far too long, “This is gonna sound cheesy, but… I don’t wanna change anything.”

“Oh.”

“It was good. _We_ were good. I liked that about us.”

Seunghun smiles, pensive. Like he’s been thinking of how they were, too. “That was nice.”

“Yeah…” Then he adds, “The alcohol is useless,” he says, looking at Hyunsuk. “We aren’t even drinking.” Hyunsuk just shrugs.

“I’ll take a shot for the sake of it,” Seunghun says.

“Pour me one too.”

Seunghun rolls his eyes playfully, pouring booze into both their shot glasses. Seunghun holds his glass out. “Cheers.”

“Cheers.”

Their glasses clink and they both down the shot, Seunghun scrunching up his face at the taste of alcohol.

“Another one?” Seunghun says, already reaching for the bottle.

Byounggon grins. “Sure.” He watches Seunghun pour into their glasses again, then turns to Hyunsuk. “Dude, did you even bring a chaser?”

“Oh! Right,” Hyunsuk says, looking around. “Jinyoung—”

“Got it,” Jinyoung says from the other side of the studio, pulling out a bottle of juice and two cups from a bag. He sets them on the table between them.

Byounggon makes kissy faces at Jinyoung, who shoves Byounggon’s face in retaliation. Byounggon laughs. “Just saying thank you to my favourite dongsaeng.”

Jinyoung rolls his eyes. “Whatever, hyung.” Then he’s back at his seat in the corner of the room doing… whatever a Jinyoung does when his boyfriend is shooting a video project.

They down the shot at the same time, then Byounggon pours juice into both their cups. He blindly reaches for a card while drinking juice then sets his cup down to read.

“Would you go out with me again?”

“I would.”

“So anticlimactic,” Byounggon says, grinning. “You’re no fun.”

“We’re both single.”

“Are you asking me out?”

Seunghun sticks his tongue out at him. For some reason, Byounggon’s chest starts to hurt. He laughs it off, trying not to sound too pained, and watches Seunghun take a card from the pile.

“Oh, you’re not ready for this,” Seunghun says, smiling wide. Byounggon briefly wonders if it would be weird to pinch Seunghun’s cheeks right now. ( _Of course, it would, Byounggon, you dumbass,_ his brain supplies. _But doesn’t the heart want what it’s always wanted?_ ) “You’re really not ready for this,” Seunghun says again. One of his hands is raised, and he looks from the card to Byounggon, then back at the card again, grinning.

“Ready?”

“You’re making me nervous.”

Seunghun giggles. “Okay, okay.” He takes a deep breath. “Freestyle—”

“Freestyle?”

“Let me finish. Freestyle: I get to ask anything. So,” Seunghun rests both his hands on the table. “Lee Byounggon—” Byounggon swears he can see Seunghun’s eyes sparkle. His breath hitches. He’s missed that sparkle, missed the way it makes him feel giddy and whole. Seunghun opens his mouth to speak. “Do you still love me?”

“I—fuck,” Byounggon exhales, sinking back in his seat. “I need a drink.”

Seunghun puts liquor in his glass and pushes it towards him. “Thanks,” Byounggon mutters. He tips his head back to drink, then slides the glass to Seunghun. “More.” Seunghun obliges, filling the glass up.

( _Does he still love Seunghun?_ He isn’t even halfway through the thought when his mind says yes. He’s loved Seunghun all these years. He hasn’t stopped, not even when they broke up. He’s loved Seunghun ever since they met. But is he still _in love_ with Seunghun?

He hasn’t quite thought about that yet. He finds he doesn’t want to.)

Byounggon drinks the shot, following it with the chaser, then leans forward, moving closer to Seunghun. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean,” Byounggon hiccups. “I still love you. It hasn’t—I haven’t—nothing’s really changed.” He hiccups again. “Except, you know, except we aren’t together anymore.”

“Nothing has changed, but everything also has, huh?”

“Exactly. You’re so smart.”

Seunghun laughs a little, then points to the pile of cards. “Last one.”

Byounggon’s hands shake as he draws the card. He doesn’t know what it says, and he hopes it’s something light, something that won’t send him home reeling because everything he thought he’s gotten over has started coming back.

He flips the card over and—fuck.

“I dare you to kiss me,” Byounggon says, slowly. As consideration for Seunghun or because he’s tipsy, he isn’t sure. “Two shots to get out of it.”

Seunghun exhales, cheeks puffing out. He turns to Hyunsuk. “You’re so mean for this.”

Hyunsuk looks down at the floor, sheepish. “I didn’t think you’d actually pull that card,” he mutters. “You can always pick a new one.”

Seunghun waves his hand. “No, it’s okay.” He turns to Byounggon. “You okay with kissing me?”

“Yes,” Byounggon says, a little too fast. “Yeah. Of course.”

“Okay,” Seunghun says, then stands up and leans across the table. Byounggon follows, wobbling because of the alcohol in his system, but he manages. He steadies himself by keeping a hand on Seunghun’s arm.

Seunghun cups Byounggon’s cheek, drawing him closer. (As close as he can get with the table, anyway.) He mouths, _you okay?_

Byounggon nods. His hand curls around the fabric of Seunghun’s shirtsleeve, then Seunghun pulls him in and they’re kissing, and he’s missed this, and now he feels like crying.

Seunghun’s lips are as soft and pliant as he remembers them, so Byounggon sinks into the kiss, wanting to kiss deeper but once he’s started kissing Seunghun he knows he won’t stop. He bites Seunghun’s lip and pulls away, Seunghun chasing after his lips for one more kiss then he freezes, remembering where they are.

Byounggon sits down, glancing around the studio, and he sees that Jinyoung is staring at them. He isn’t sure if he’s been staring at them the entire time, but Byounggon feels his ears get warm at the fact that they just almost made out on camera. He rubs at his ears. _Hyunsuk’s professor is going to see this._

Seunghun clears his throat, dragging his chair closer and sitting down. He folds his hands in front of him, looking at Hyunsuk expectantly. Byounggon doesn’t know where to look.

(Kissing Seunghun _hurts_. More than he’d ever say.

Because as much as he wants a second chance, he probably won’t get it.)

Hyunsuk blinks at them, then peeks at his index card, looking for something that could break the tension in the room. He folds the index card and looks at his hyungs.

“So…” Hyunsuk says. “You just finished playing Truth or Drink. How does it feel?”

“This is the first time I’ve ever done something like this, so I’d say it was… an experience,” Seunghun says.

“Like good experience or bad experience?” Byounggon asks, regaining his composure. His arms are laced behind his nape again.

“I’d say good,” Seunghun says. “I got to say things I wouldn’t have said.”

“It was the first time we’ve seen each other in a while, too,” Byounggon says, elbows coming forward.

“Yeah.”

“We haven’t seen each other since I moved out.”

“Fuck, it’s been that long?”

Byounggon lets out a small laugh. “Time goes by so fast.”

Hyunsuk clicks his tongue. “Anything else you’d want to say?”

Seunghun purses his lips and smiles. “Lee Byounggon. I’m _so_ glad I got to know you. You changed my life in such a big way. You made me happy. You made me realize I should give to myself as much as I give to other people. I hope good things happen to you because you deserve it.” He pauses, adds, “And I love you. So much. You know that.”

(Byounggon’s chest hurts at the _I love you_ because he’s been wanting to hear that again. He’s wanted to for so long, and Seunghun just lets it slip, and Byounggon wants nothing more than to believe it. He knows Seunghun is telling the truth, that he still loves him, but Byounggon doesn’t want to fall down the rabbit hole of second chances again.

He has to let go.)

“Kim Seunghun,” Byounggon starts. “Thank you for being such an important part of my life. Thank you for being my best friend, and for loving me as much as you could. I kept hoping things would turn out different, but now I’m just… happy you’re happy, you know? And I love you too. So much.”

(Maybe this is him letting go.)

“One last shot?” Seunghun offers.

Byounggon laughs. “Sure, why not.”

They clink their glasses together and Byounggon’s throat burns as he drinks.

(Is he still _in love_ with Seunghun?

Yes.)

**Author's Note:**

> twt: @enbykebi  
> cc: @enbyju


End file.
